ExpanDrive

You saw the commercials and you got it: you are a Mac.  So you went out and bought a Mac. And you love it. You love it so much that maybe you’re even camped out waiting for an iPhone right now. But I doubt it.

Anyway, you’ve got this problem. Your Mac is the same as everyone else’s. And you didn’t scribble all over your Vans or put magenta Deep-Vs on your fixie because you wanted to be the same as everyone else. Not being unique is unspeakably lame. Lamer than Coldplay.

But of course, being new to the Mac, you don’t want to do it wrong. And I get that. Modern fashions are tough. These are dangerous waters we tread, are they not? But don’t worry, bro. I’ve been rocking this look since the days of MacPaint, and I’ve got your back.

• DON’T move all the icons to the left hand side of the screen. You’re a Mac, remember?
• DO put your dock over on the left. Icons on the right, dock on the left. Easy.

• DON’T leave anything on the computer actually named after yourself except your user name. This goes double for shared music.
• DO taunt anyone dumb enough ignore the previous rule (let’s call them Person X) by changing the name of your shared music to “[Person X]‘s Music is trite and predictable”
• DON’T use any of the lame default screen savers. Replacing them with pictures of your own still won’t make them cooler.
• DO use a retro screen saver like the Flying Toasters or PongSaver. Trust me, it’s ironic.

DON’T use anything affiliated with AOL in any way. I don’t care how many free minutes you have.

DO use Adium for all your IM needs. If you’re totally baller, learn to customize the interface.

DON’T do something stupid like installing BootCamp.

DO download Deeper and change your folder windows to show paths. This will save you massive amounts of time, headaches, and confusion if you have multiple drives to deal with.

• DON’T overdo it on the widgets.
• DO get iStat menus so you can see how much the widgets are slowing you down.
• DON’T complain about the beachball. Chances are it’s your fault.
• DO max out your RAM. It costs $100 and makes your computer run at least that much better.
• DON’T use Spotlight unless you’re looking for a specific file you rarely use, but know the precise name of.
• DO use Quicksilver for everything else. Even text messages.