ExpanDrive

Maybe you heard earlier this week about Apple taking out a patent on some solar cells, so soon we can all have solar powered MacBooks and iPhones and blah blah blah.

Look: that might do it for my cousin Irene with the gold pigtails and a frilly pink dress, but that sure as hell doesn’t do it for me. I demand MORE POWER. And like John McCain, who’s so tough he wouldn’t even use a solar-powered sundial, I know exactly where to get it.

That’s right, I’m talking about a nuclear computer. I’m sick of being behind the Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys in generating what is obviously the manliest form of power on earth. And don’t bother whining about “feasibility”. If we’d let weenies like you take over during the 60s, there’d be a Russian flag on the moon and the national pastime would be badminton.

A Mac Pro weighs almost 50 pounds, and enough fissionable material for an a-bomb weighs only 11—still sound impossible to you? Sure, you’d need turbines and a cooling system and crap like that, but Apple’s always bragging about how awesome its designers are. Now it’s time to put up or shut up.

On top of just being frickin’ awesome, nuclear computing would all but solve the national energy crisis. When you were running some pansy application like Mail or iWank or whatever, you could use the power supply in your PC to run the rest of your home, and even sell power back to the grid.

Look, I love the environment as much as the next guy—wind turbines, recycling, bottle deposits, hybrid SUVs; the whole nine yards. But solar’s simply not a viable solution for power users; I mean, what are you gonna do when the sun’s not shining?

Let’s say you’re playing Quake IV in your bedroom at 4am, and somehow fighting back the entire Korean Peninsula with a single measly railgun—do you want to get gauntleted because a “low power warning” pops up and ruins your FPS? Or do want your power supply to get so hot from rendering ultra-high-res blood spatter that you have to huck it in the bathtub to prevent a meltdown?

The choice is yours, people. Don’t let Steve Jobs talk you into buying an inferior product.

Image: MacNuke, created by author. From original work by Gmn wnr. Free use under cc-by-sa-2.5.